1. You chuck out your old relationship souvenirs
For years, you hoarded ticket stubs from concerts and days out with your ex. Then you fall in love, and suddenly all these souvenirs are just tat that’s cluttering up your space.
So, if nothing else, falling in love makes you tidier.
2. Your ex announces their engagement, and you don’t care
What’s more, you fail to understand what you ever saw in them. The idea of sleeping with them… eww!
3. You’re no longer shy around your former crush
You used to be a quivering wreck when your office’s payroll assistant entered the room. These days, you barely notice them.
When you’re in love, your partner becomes infinitely more attractive than any other person on the planet. Yes, even Cheryl Cole.
4. You’re more adventurous in bed
When you’re in lust, a quick shag usually does the trick. But when you’re in love, you want to explore what really turns you both on – including things you’ve been too shy to try before.
5. You aren’t put off by physical imperfections
Lust is far more fragile than love. Here’s an example. If your lust-object arrives for a date with a big green crusty lump sticking out of their nose, your attraction will disappear in an instant.
But if you’re falling in love, you won’t be put off. You’ll feel protective. You’ll rub your nose and hope that they mirror you… and hey presto, problem solved. Ain’t love grand?
6. You tell them your plans – big and small
Whether it’s babbling about your world-travel dreams or asking them to help make the shopping list, you include your lover in your plans because they’re part of your life.
7. You wonder where “we” should go on holiday
Even if it means compromising your idea of the perfect holiday or putting up with their mum’s brussels sprouts.
8. You’re thrilled by a joint invite to a family wedding
Partly because you’re happy that family and friends treat you two as a unit. And partly because you want your wingman beside you when the boredom sets in at 10pm in the church hall.
9. You show them off
When you’re falling for someone, you want to include them in your social life and show them off to your friends. However…
10. You’re happy doing nothing together
Ultimately it’s not about being a couple on a social stage, but just about being two people together. Just going for a walk together sounds like the perfect afternoon.
11. You join their photography class
You want to know what make your lover tick – and you want them to see that you’re showing an interest.
12. You ring them to moan about work
When they’re the first person you want to talk to about what a class-A berk the boss is today, it’s because you think they’re a keeper. (Your lover, not the boss.)
13. You take their kids out for lunch
If your other half has children from a previous partner, your relationship with the kids is a barometer of your future as a couple. And if you’re in love, you’ll try your hardest to get along with them.
Try not to let it stress you out. If you and the kids can be relaxed in each other’s company, you’re onto a long-term winner.
14. You aren’t afraid to argue
Couples don’t agree all the time. If you’re in lust, you don’t care about standing up for yourself – it’s more trouble than it’s worth.
But when you’re in love, you want to put your point across. Speaking up shows that you’re secure enough to question what your lover says or does.
However…
15. You feel terrible when you argue
You wouldn’t be half as upset about a row with anyone else. Here’s why…
16. You care more about their happiness than your own
You feel bad when your other half isn’t happy, so arguments are a double whammy of emotional trauma.
On the bright side, it shows that you’re really in love. You’re no longer looking after number one all the time. Instead, you want your partner to be OK.
17. You show them where you grew up
It may seem an odd choice of weekend adventure, but love means wanting to show them where you’re from. “That’s my old school, that’s where I had my paper round, that’s where I puked up my dad’s home-brew…”
18. You don’t mind saving if you're usually a spend-thrift
Our money habits are deeply entrenched, but love motivates you to make an exception.
For example, if you’ve spent your adult life being unwilling to save up for anything dearer than a haircut, love could suddenly make you want to save a deposit on a flat.
Likewise…
19. You don’t mind splashing out if you're usually frugal
If you’re suddenly willing to splash out on a luxury holiday together, it shows how important they are to you.
But it’s not about changing the real you. If you’re usually more comfortable being a saver, love won’t change that. It just means you’re less rigid about it. Which brings us to…
20. You risk being yourself
Of all the love-signs on this list, this is the big cheese.
When you’re infatuated or in lust with someone, you edit yourself to fit what you think they want. You might dress to suit them, or hide the fact that you don’t have much in common with their friends.
But when you’re in love with someone, you want your other half to know and like the person you really are.
It’s a risk, of course. Certain incompatibilities may come to the fore. But you know that you can’t be happy for long if you’re faking it.
This isn’t an excuse to be stubborn or tactless. “Being yourself” does not mean sticking rigidly to habits, or telling your lover that their CD collection is crap. A bit of flexibility works wonders.
Wednesday 16 November 2011
5 Habits that Hurt Your Relationship
1. Over-prioritising
Don’t get me wrong – your relationship is very important. But so are you. And so is the life you’d so carefully built up before you began your relationship. Don’t be tempted to start putting yourself and your stuff – your goals, interests and friends – in second place when you’re in a relationship, because it won’t get the results you long for.
When we fall in love with somebody new, it’s easy to make them the focus of your world. It feels fun to do that! But over time, if you don’t maintain your own life too, your relationship will feel like it has become your life. You’ll panic at the thought of it finishing because you have nothing else to do, making you more likely to put up with sub-standard treatment. By focussing on your love life, you’ll find other areas of your world start to look neglected, making you spend MORE time focussing on love instead, as problems elsewhere become unbearable… Here’s some relationship advice: Get the balance right. The easiest way sometimes to work on your relationship is to work on other things instead! Keep the interests, goals and friends you had at the beginning of the relationship. Keep them in good condition; tend to them. This way, you’ll have more energy, confidence and enthusiasm when you’re with your partner, and your full, well-rounded life will keep them attracted to you.
2. If Only…
If only he’d buy me flowers every week. If only she’d watch sport with me. If only he earned more money. If only she could lose 10lbs… “If Only”s will damage your relationship very quickly. You might think you’re stealthily having these thoughts but they’ll be visible to your other half through your actions. Yes, they will. You’ll pout when he comes home without flowers, or you’ll fidget resentfully through the movie as you long to watch the big match on the other side. Strangely, “If Only”s are usually the sign you’re in a good relationship! Without real, concrete problems to focus on, you have time to day-dream about hypothetical finishing-touches. My relationship advice? Stop. Instead of thinking about what your partner doesn’t have, think about what they do. Write a list of the top 20 things you adore about your partner and see how that immediately pushes the “If Only”s out of the picture.
3. Disloyalty
You and your partner are a team. One of the easiest ways to damage your relationship is to be disloyal to your partner. So don’t spill all their secrets to your friends, don’t moan endlessly about them to anyone who’ll listen, don’t lie to them (even if it’s easier) and don’t go against their wishes on matters that are important to them – work to find a compromise.
The reason this is important is that the strongest, soundest relationships create their own feeling of “It’s you and me against the world!” But as soon as you destroy that, it’s gone. Some relationship advice about loyalty - see your partner’s best side, be the voice that boosts them up instead of putting them down. If they are someone you can’t genuinely respect or admire, you shouldn’t be with them.
4. Lack of self-care
It’s important to maintain your appearance when you’re in a relationship – not only will it keep your partner fancying you, it will keep your self-confidence high. You’ll keep your sassy, spicy edge which is one of the most successful ingredients in good long-term affairs. But don’t let your health, including mental health, go neglected. When it comes to appearance, the best relationship advice is simply to look after yourself: get enough sleep, eat healthily, exercise. If your partner has an unhealthy lifestyle, try not to copy it for the sake of “going along to get along”. If they eat unhealthy food, don’t give in to their pizza suggestions every time, introduce them to your favourite healthy meals instead or order your own light alternatives. In the first flush of love you might go without rest, but don’t skip sleep long-term, it’ll make you moody and more likely to over-react to problems that arise. Make your health a priority.
5. Competitiveness
This is a very common habit amongst unhappy couples. They compete for everything – who’s the most successful, who’s doing the most housework, who buys the best presents, even who’s the most ill. It’s incredibly unsupportive and is one of the fastest ways to alienate a partner as they’ll soon turn to other people to receive much-needed appreciation and praise. Competition arises when one – or both – partners feels insecure. Disliking themselves, they feel threatened when they perceive their partner to be somehow “better” than them, so they look to redress the balance, either by boasting about their own achievements, or by belittling their partner’s. It can also be sparked by a major life event (buying a home, having a baby, marriage or promotion) that shakes up a couple’s life significantly. My relationship advice here is, if you’re the one feeling competitive, work on improving your self-confidence. The tips in this article will help, so focus on your goals, friends, appearance and health until your partner’s success no longer threatens you. If your partner is the one who always seems keen to out-do you, give them attention and praise and encourage them to build a fulfilling life outside your relationship. Then you should both be able to become one another’s cheerleaders again, instead of feeling you’re on opposing teams.
Don’t get me wrong – your relationship is very important. But so are you. And so is the life you’d so carefully built up before you began your relationship. Don’t be tempted to start putting yourself and your stuff – your goals, interests and friends – in second place when you’re in a relationship, because it won’t get the results you long for.
When we fall in love with somebody new, it’s easy to make them the focus of your world. It feels fun to do that! But over time, if you don’t maintain your own life too, your relationship will feel like it has become your life. You’ll panic at the thought of it finishing because you have nothing else to do, making you more likely to put up with sub-standard treatment. By focussing on your love life, you’ll find other areas of your world start to look neglected, making you spend MORE time focussing on love instead, as problems elsewhere become unbearable… Here’s some relationship advice: Get the balance right. The easiest way sometimes to work on your relationship is to work on other things instead! Keep the interests, goals and friends you had at the beginning of the relationship. Keep them in good condition; tend to them. This way, you’ll have more energy, confidence and enthusiasm when you’re with your partner, and your full, well-rounded life will keep them attracted to you.
2. If Only…
If only he’d buy me flowers every week. If only she’d watch sport with me. If only he earned more money. If only she could lose 10lbs… “If Only”s will damage your relationship very quickly. You might think you’re stealthily having these thoughts but they’ll be visible to your other half through your actions. Yes, they will. You’ll pout when he comes home without flowers, or you’ll fidget resentfully through the movie as you long to watch the big match on the other side. Strangely, “If Only”s are usually the sign you’re in a good relationship! Without real, concrete problems to focus on, you have time to day-dream about hypothetical finishing-touches. My relationship advice? Stop. Instead of thinking about what your partner doesn’t have, think about what they do. Write a list of the top 20 things you adore about your partner and see how that immediately pushes the “If Only”s out of the picture.
3. Disloyalty
You and your partner are a team. One of the easiest ways to damage your relationship is to be disloyal to your partner. So don’t spill all their secrets to your friends, don’t moan endlessly about them to anyone who’ll listen, don’t lie to them (even if it’s easier) and don’t go against their wishes on matters that are important to them – work to find a compromise.
The reason this is important is that the strongest, soundest relationships create their own feeling of “It’s you and me against the world!” But as soon as you destroy that, it’s gone. Some relationship advice about loyalty - see your partner’s best side, be the voice that boosts them up instead of putting them down. If they are someone you can’t genuinely respect or admire, you shouldn’t be with them.
4. Lack of self-care
It’s important to maintain your appearance when you’re in a relationship – not only will it keep your partner fancying you, it will keep your self-confidence high. You’ll keep your sassy, spicy edge which is one of the most successful ingredients in good long-term affairs. But don’t let your health, including mental health, go neglected. When it comes to appearance, the best relationship advice is simply to look after yourself: get enough sleep, eat healthily, exercise. If your partner has an unhealthy lifestyle, try not to copy it for the sake of “going along to get along”. If they eat unhealthy food, don’t give in to their pizza suggestions every time, introduce them to your favourite healthy meals instead or order your own light alternatives. In the first flush of love you might go without rest, but don’t skip sleep long-term, it’ll make you moody and more likely to over-react to problems that arise. Make your health a priority.
5. Competitiveness
This is a very common habit amongst unhappy couples. They compete for everything – who’s the most successful, who’s doing the most housework, who buys the best presents, even who’s the most ill. It’s incredibly unsupportive and is one of the fastest ways to alienate a partner as they’ll soon turn to other people to receive much-needed appreciation and praise. Competition arises when one – or both – partners feels insecure. Disliking themselves, they feel threatened when they perceive their partner to be somehow “better” than them, so they look to redress the balance, either by boasting about their own achievements, or by belittling their partner’s. It can also be sparked by a major life event (buying a home, having a baby, marriage or promotion) that shakes up a couple’s life significantly. My relationship advice here is, if you’re the one feeling competitive, work on improving your self-confidence. The tips in this article will help, so focus on your goals, friends, appearance and health until your partner’s success no longer threatens you. If your partner is the one who always seems keen to out-do you, give them attention and praise and encourage them to build a fulfilling life outside your relationship. Then you should both be able to become one another’s cheerleaders again, instead of feeling you’re on opposing teams.
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